How Forgiving Yourself Is The Ultimate Form Of Self-Love (And How To Do It)

I hear people brag about how hard they are on themselves.

Like it’s a badge.

While it is important to hold a certain standard of what we want to achieve, it does very little for our physical, mental, and spiritual health to berate ourselves for not being better.

For not keeping up with the Joneses.

For not making the same amount of money that P. Diddy made when he turned 28.

For not being the next Misty Copeland, Frida, Cherrie Moraga, or Gloria E. Anzaldúa.

I hear ya, you feel like by being hard on yourself, even mean to yourself, you will succeed even faster. Get there first. Get the most. Be the best. Anticipate, and forego, any criticism you may field in the process of attaining your goal.

Although that can be very alluring and believable in the moment, being nasty to yourself is the quickest way to anti-self-love there is.

In fact, the words we use towards ourselves can make all the difference in the world. Make them beautiful. (click to tweet)

Because, even if we’re by ourselves, those ugly words we expel from our lips to describe who we perceive ourselves to be has a very captive audience. 


And s/he hears EVERYTHING.

So, don’t be surprised if, when you verbally flagellate yourself for your appearance, your physical attributes, your performance in life, love, and career, the way your nose tips to one side, for not making the cut on the team, publication, gallery, or project, that your body doesn’t feel it and recoil in horror.

What does it look like when the body recoils in horror at our words?

  • Constricted muscles. Everywhere, but especially in the upper back, neck, and shoulders. And, sometimes the jaw muscles.
  • Uncomfortable whirling in our Heart or Solar Plexus Chakra (since we are attacking our own power, after all).
  • We feel disconnected, and out of touch, with our bodies (because when we are not kind to ourselves, we disconnect further from who we are).
  • You have difficulty pinpointing your genius or intuition. Scattered sense of self, anyone?

It is also reflected in our aura energetically. Since we are LOVE, to speak of ourselves otherwise screams out for attention energetically.

I often pick this up during a Reiki session – usually around the face, Throat, and/or Heart Chakra. I am amazed at how our bodies are so wise, that even if we may not realize it at the time on a conscious level, our bodies speak volumes about what has settled within us.

While chatting with a patient during what we Chinese Medicine practitioners officially call our “intake” (fancy term for getting to know you!) at an Acupuncture or Reiki session, I may pick up that there’s an imbalance in a specific chakra while chatting (usually, my attention will get drawn to a certain energy center(s) as we talk about the health concern(s) at hand).

I then confirm this with feeling your pulse and taking a look at your tongue, if you’re in for an Acupuncture treatment, or by laying my hands with gentle touch during Reiki.

Either way, the body speaks!

And one thing I’ve always noticed: when we are hard on ourselves, we become hard on others, too.

This begets a specific vicious cycle that creates violence towards ourselves, and to others.

Maybe not in a Jeffrey Dahmer kind of way, but more of an American Psycho kinda way. Energetically speaking, of course.

Being hard on ourselves > verbal, mental, spiritual (and sometimes physical) self-violence > inner turmoil > shame > anger turned inward and makes its home > STUCKNESS.

So, what do you do when you get stuck in the shame and blame game that you inflict on yourself? And on other people?

You forgive yourself.

That easy, huh?

Yes, that easy.

And that difficult.

Why is forgiving yourself difficult?

Because that means admitting to yourself that you were doing something that didn’t serve you.

Because, if you want to play the victim, it’s evidence of yet another thing you did wrong.

Because sometimes cycles of violence can be uncomfortable and painful, but known and, therefore, strangely comfortable and hard to shake.

Because somewhere, deep inside, the martyr within you wants to keep you “honest” over something you perceive as unforgivable. (To be clear, that doesn’t keep you honest, that keeps your vibration low and shut off from your sovereignty.)

How is forgiving yourself the ultimate form of self-love?

It frees you from your pain.

It gets your Qi flowing again.

It releases you from your attachment to sorrow.

It liberates you into who you were meant to be, before you made yourself small.

It allows you to accept all of you, even the flaws.

It acknowledges that you were hurt, but also acknowledges that you can transcend the pain.

It empowers you by helping you take responsibility for your actions in a high vibrational way.

It gives you permission to move on and receive love in its higher forms, starting with your own.

Because, by the way…

Anything you’ve ever done, no matter how heinous, is forgivable. 

Here are 3 scripts for some situations where you may be trying to forgive yourself:

For all of the following, place both hands over your heart, and feel your connection with your Higher Self, a connection that you always carry within your Heart Chakra. Your Heart never lies, and will always tell you what’s up. Your Heart will also help you access your deepest connection to Self.

When you were a mean girl (or boy) to someone way back when:

“I forgive myself for mistreating _______, hurting his/her feelings, Body, Mind, and Spirit, and I ask the Violet Flame to burn and clear all karma between us. I understand that the impact of my actions, thoughts, and feelings around the situation were hurtful to myself and others, and allow love to enter and heal my Heart and Spirit, releasing all pain and shame associated with this experience. I send healing light to all parts of my being, and send light and love to _______. I ask Archangel Michael to sever all psychic cords with _______, and that we may be at peace. And, so it is.”

When you were cruel to a person you love(d):

If it’s for someone in your past, use the above script. The following is for someone in your life right now.

“I forgive myself for hurting _______’s feelings, Body, Mind, and Spirit, and I ask the Violet Flame to burn and clear all karma between us. I understand that the impact of my actions, thoughts, and feelings around the situation were hurtful to myself and others, and allow love to enter and heal my Heart and Spirit, releasing all pain and shame associated with this experience. I send healing light to all parts of my being, and send light and love to _______. I surround us both with pure white light, as well as a layer of pink (or green) light, and envision our Hearts tethered in loving, healthy ways. I send this visualization up to the Universe. And, so it is.”

When you intentionally hurt yourself on any level:

If you’ve physically hurt yourself, place your hand over that area while saying this script. If you’ve said negative things towards yourself, place one hand gently over your throat, and the other at your Heart.

“I forgive myself for hurting myself, on Emotional, Physical, Mental, and Spiritual levels. I understand that in doing so, I was trying to keep myself safe by re-enacting old pain. I am now ready to release that pain, and ask Archangel Michael to remove all energy from my aura that doesn’t belong to me. I also ask Angels of Tenderness and Comfort to be with me now as I heal. And, I ask my Spirit Guides to help me open my Heart so I may release all unhealthy patterns, and welcome in new, healthy ones. I also ask Kwan Yin to infuse my Heart and entire being with pure Love. I bask in the glow of radiant light, and own my light. I am healed. And, so it is.”

To practice forgiveness of others, practice the Ho’oponopono healing prayer for forgiveness.

What healing scripts do you use to shift into light?
I’d love to hear about them in the comments, below!

With the powerful medicine of forgiveness,



Copyright © 2016 by Alcantara Acupuncture & Healing Arts. All rights reserved. You may quote, copy, translate and link to this article, in its entirety, on free, non-donation based websites only, as long as you include the author name and a working link back to this website. All other uses are strictly prohibited.


  1. Lily
    February 12, 2016

    What matters the most is that it is important to love yourself! And if you really wish to open yourself with all of the lovely people around you, it is great to start from yourself. Crossing through a lot of self-hate, you need to accept that changes have to happen and the true happiness and love, starts from you.

    • Margarita Alcantara, M.S.Ac., L.Ac., Reiki Master/Teacher
      February 12, 2016

      I couldn’t agree more, Lily! Acceptance is key.



Leave a Reply